Tuesday, March 15, 2005

If My Alter Ego Was to Start Another Blog

Title of Blog:

This Is “My War,” This Is “Your War.” From Everywhere in Iraq to Everyone Outside Iraq. From writing about Iraq, to writing about everything else. This “War” Blog Was Made for You and Me

Subtitle:

This blog was created to help me retain my sanity. It is designed to entertain me. In the off chance that it entertains you, then God help you. Insert redundant disclaimer here.

Post Title:
Blog Bliggity Blogoricious

Yep, here I am, another blogger from Iraq. As if the internet wasn’t crowded enough with all the others. So why not add one more I say. Everybody is doing it. From Joe Snuffy private, to some high and mighty Colonel, and everyone in between. Maybe I can get a bunch of hits on my counter, or maybe I can make some money, or maybe I can get a book deal, or maybe sign a movie deal. Big freakin’ deal, I’m still in Iraq for a year. Maybe I will get busted and told to quit. Like I care. What are they going to do, sue me?

Iraq as a whole sucks worse than getting kicked in the balls. The only good thing about it is the chance of sending a few terrorists on the express train to hell. I don’t give a shit that there wasn’t any WMDs. And as far as democracy in the Middle East goes, whatever. I’m not running for office, and until these people decide to get off their asses, they can kiss democracy goodbye.

There is one other good thing about being over here. My buddies. I like having their back, and I like them having mine. We help each other get through the mountains of bullshit that piles up faster than the number of blogs in the blogosphere.

I guess I’m now part of the blogorific blogosphere. Blogosphere, who the hell came up with that? Was it the Instapundit guy? By the way, what’s up with him an everything insta. He’s got an instawife, an instadaughter, and an insta everything else. I think he’s had too much instacoffee and needs to talk to an instashrink. Why not Blogiverse? Should we elect a Blogress and appoint a Blogident? Since the guy at Instapundit is our founding Blother, maybe he should be our first Blogident. That girl over at Wonkette could be our Vice-Blogident. We could write a Declaration of Blogapendence and a Blogitution and have John Blogcock sign it in big blogging letters.

Speaking of Wonkette, what the hell does that mean? It sounds like something soldiers around here do in the latrine while looking at pictures of naked women. “Hey Joe, can I borrow your magazine, I need to go Wonk it.” “Sure buddy, just don’t Wonk it too hard and hurt your blogis.”

Then you have all these journalists that have to start their own blog independent from whatever crappy news organization they work for. They claim that with blogs they have the freedom to write whatever they want without an editor breathing down their neck. Whatever, they’re just jumping on the bandwagon too.

Blogrolls make my head spin. You know the ones. They have around 10,000 blogs listed on one side or the other of their blog. This would be all fine and dandy if I had a couple of eternity’s to read them all. Oh, and don’t think for a minute that they actually read them all as well. It’s like a big orgy, everybody getting in on the action. You put me on yours, I’ll put you on mine. I say pay me a thousand bucks and I’ll put your sorry blog on my blogroll. So I guess I won’t be having much of a blogroll. Some blogs take a day and a half just to load onto your browser because the browser can’t calculate the million and one links on the stupid blogroll.

Everybody and their brother is also starting a blog software company. That’s nice. Microsoft was late to the game again with their’s. I can’t even remember the name of it anymore it sucked so bad. Hey Bill, you should have bought Blogger when you had the chance.

What about advertisements on blogs. If I wanted to look at advertisements I would have turned on the t.v. I like how people will put little pictures of books or other products on their blog. Once you click on them you get sent to a website where you can buy said book or product. I hope they aren’t whoring themselves for nothing. I hope they get a nice cut of any sales they generate. You won’t be seeing any advertisements on my blog. I charge ten thousand bucks for a tiny little box.

How about donations? Do they actually think someone is going to donate money to them for writing the boring crap that they do. Most of the blogs with a little donation box should be donating money to me for reading their shit. I’m going to put a donation box on my blog. Maybe my paypal account will get so large I can buy Blogger from Google and restrict all other blogs from accepting donations. Or maybe I will get so rich I can buy Iraq, install a terrorist regime, have them all convene in one building, and then bomb the building with my brand new stealth jet I bought from Lockheed-Martin. I could then turn Iraq into the world’s Las Vegas and go home.

Maybe Bill Gates would donate a few billion dollars to my paypal account. I could get the Blogislature to sign a bill into law allowing Microsoft to bundle their blogging software into all their Window’s software.

And then you have the Drudge Report. I guess you could categorize his website as a blog. If so, he is the granddaddy of them all, with something like 10 trillion page views in the last month. I’m just glad he thinks I want to know how many visitors he’s had in the last day, month, and year. Why stop there Matt? Why not add another line for eternity. What I would do for a link on his website. If I was fortunate enough to get a link on there, I could get so many mindless readers to my blog that blogger would shut it down, defeating the purpose of me wanting to get on there in the first place. I like how he has a little place where you can send in anonymous news tips. Can you imagine the ridiculous stories he’s been sent. I would pay him a lot of money just to see a list of these “news tips”.

To: drudge@drudgereport.com

“Hey Drudge, my cat, who happens to be the largest cat in the known universe, had two human babies. One of them is a clone of Michael Jackson, and the other is a clone of that terrorist Zarqawi. The Michael Jackson clone keeps trying to hit on my son, and the Zarqawi clone is busy trying to cut my dog’s head off. The other day I was chasing them around the back yard when a massive earthquake, registering at least 9.0 on the richter scale, tore open the earth, revealing the gates of hell. At this point, Satan himself, wearing none other than Monica Lewinski’s stained dress, came bounding up from the pit of hell and landed right in front of me. He then asked me a bunch of questions. How are Brad and Jennifer? Is Martha Stewart out of prison yet? Which cable news show is leading in the latest Nielson ratings? Who was tops at the box office last weekend? And do you know the latest hurricane path? I told Satan that he could find out all of these things on your website, but he responded that his internet service provider was AOL and he has a hard time getting through. Something about not enough bandwith down there because of everyone searching for the latest Paris Hilton porn video. Anyway, I just thought you should know.”

p.s. The clone Zarqawi and I would really like to get married, and I was wondering which states in the U.S. recognize gay marriage? Thanks for your help. I’ll be sure and send you another news tip when I get captured, so you can put one of those big sirens at the top of your website. Got to go, Zarqawi has turned the torch lights down in my cave, and he’s ready for a little lovin’.

From: osama@aljazeera.net

I’m getting tired of blogging already. It’s late here in Iraq, and I have to get up early to go try and kill some blogging terrorists.

Comments:

Drudge said...
I’m going to link to your blog for the sole purpose of getting it shut down.

Instapundit said...
I was wondering if you would like to be my instachief of staff.

Bill Gates said...
I make more money in one second than you do in a year.

Michael Jackson said...(in a font that indicates he has a girly voice)
My lawyers will be contacting you shortly.

Zarqawi said...
You stupid American infidel. Allah be willing, I will find out where you are in Iraq, Allah be willing. Allah be willing,I will cut your head off as well, Allah be willing.

Michael(that would be me) said...
Allah be willing you will quit saying Allah be willing.

Osama said...
Zarqawi, you are my little bitch. Who’s your daddy? Come back to the cave so I can mount you again, Allah be willing.

Michael Jackson said...
Are there any little boys in that cave?

Michael Jackson said...
This post has been removed by the author

21 Comments:

Blogger Sean from DocintheBox said...

That's the best take I've seen of the blogosphere in a long time!

12:56 PM  
Blogger Inanna said...

I laughed so hard my co-workers were staring at me. Excellent! That is DEFINATELY the blogosphere!!

1:30 PM  
Anonymous non-blogger said...

You've just about inspired me to start my own blog with this one!

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO
I think the secrets out...
Our WMD is on the loose in Iraq!
An Army of ONE.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Al's Girl said...

That was awesome. Is it bad if I tell you that reading your blog when you were in Kuwait inspired me to start my fiance's blog?? He's trapped in the sand.

Thanks for keeping it real and cracking me up!!

5:59 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

So aren't you really and truly Scrappleface - Scott Ott. That was truly funny. Talk about getting into a snit thru words. That was awesome (think valli talk ok?). Hey I'll link to you and bring in oh maybe one visitor to your BLOG! You are now the BLOG GOD! How's that?

6:52 PM  
Blogger Huntress said...

ROFLMSFAO (Rolling on floor laughing my sweet f****ass off)That was bloggerific!

Nuff said!

7:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:15 PM  
Blogger strykeraunt said...

Crack me up!!!

8:23 PM  
Blogger Janie said...

That was fun! ( ;

8:27 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

OMG you are too flippin funny!!! ROFLOL!!!!

8:40 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

OMG you are too flippin funny!!! ROFLOL!!!!

8:41 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

OMG you are too flippin funny!!! ROFLOL!!!!

8:42 PM  
Anonymous Sus said...

. . . and with THAT, I can go to bed. . . . . . .

*laughing* *snorts* *laughing some more* . . . . Oh, my sides ache . . .

11:48 PM  
Blogger devildog6771 said...

I really love it when people don't take themselves too seriously. Keep up the good work. This is great!!

6:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You very funny, but can you dance? Stay safe.

6:37 PM  
Blogger Chevy Rose said...

You write a pretty good post. I would like to add you to my blog links, if you won't get seriously mad at me. How do you even find time to blog with your busy activities?

8:07 PM  
Blogger infwife said...

LOVED YOUR BLOG IT REMINDED SO MUCH OF MY HUSBANDS WAY OF THINKING MUST BE A MILITARY THING
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

9:04 PM  
Blogger Cindy said...

was your speeding post edited off?

6:33 AM  
Blogger ALa said...

Sampled and linked an excerpt from "Talking a Shower" the other day and now I will have to showcase this one too! Too funny. I DO NOT have a blogroll...just links to sites I actually read --and you are now one of them.

12:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are freakin hilarious keep it up

STpehen

5:31 PM  

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